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about

If you've ever been to the web forum known as Spacebattles, you've probably come across a term meaning a 'painfully one-sided battle'. Some people might call that a rout or a massacre. But us sci-fi geeks ever so lovingly refer to such a fight as a Curbstomp.

Name in reference to the humiliating, agonizing, and often lethal 'curb stomp': Where in one is forced by their assailant to place their open mouth on the edge of a curb before having their head stomped on... An act that requires utterly one-sided dominance on the assailant's part to even get the victim to comply... Thus, the theme of the absurdly one-sided fight.

While I would never condone performing such wasteful and cruel actions, I feel that if you don't poke humor at the horrible, the horrible will eventually overwhelm you.

Please use tact if you sing it. Also, if you don't like my singing, a screwdriver to the ear-canal can fix that problem. A non-vocal version of the track follows this one if you prefer going full karaoke. You'll probably sing better than me anyway.

lyrics

Up in space their ships go 'boom!'
In a pyrotechnic doom
On the ground no hope is found
As they die in burning mounds

Lacking tech like fire and wheel
Going up against cold steel
Strategy? Well they just rush!
There's no fools that they can crush!

Their invasion's a meltdown
Ground to dust by unarmed clowns
All that's left, to wait and see
Whether they will fight or flee

There's no need for Kryptonite,
Silver cross, or stake, or light.
There's some fights that just ain't fair
But it's FUN to gawk and stare!

***
[Chorus: 2X]
When a fight is just plain wrong
We all sing the curbstomp song
People dying left and right
It's a slaughter, not a fight

Start a brawl that can't be won
See the boots eclipse the sun
Either swallow bitter truth
Or eat curb and lose a tooth
***

Ill equipped with laser guns
That explode when set 'stun'
Using armor made of rags
Nothing's left for body bags

With a weakness so painful
Quite annoying, and shameful
Kids with H2O Balloons
Oh so gaily MELT these goons

Their assault's a failure
Putting guns on super-tankers
Now just watch, and you will see
Battles that should NEVER be

Here they come, they're charging us
Why should we put up a fuss?
It's a war that won't last long
And why I sing-

THE CURBSTOMP SONG!

***
[Chorus 2 X]
***

[Stompy Banter]

"Oh oh! I know! A hundred berserkers in full plate mail against a roman phalanx!"

"No man, that's not a curbstomp."

"What about the Russian army armed with pistols against guys with sub-machine guns?"

"You're not thinking big enough, man. Try more extreme."

"Uh... A team of ninja versus a tentacle monster with a rocket launcher-"

"What the hell?! Go sit down before you hurt yourself."

"What about sending special forces in to take out an Orc(k) camp?" =p

"You're getting it now, keep it up."

"A vampire with a bad attitude and a particle cannon against Red Coats."

"That's a stomp if I ever heard it..."

"Oh! I know! A fleet of star cruisers with giant energy cannons taking on an infestation of zombies in a city!"

"Ground zero, man. I can taste the concrete."

"A vampire, a wizard, a battleship, a dragon-"

"-Against a monk, a settler, and a coal miner in a cattle wagon."

"OUCH!"

"Stompingly good. HIT IT!"


***
[CHORUS 2X]
***

So when a fight's a slaughter
Not any quarter given
Just sing along to the Curbstomp Song and ask yourself:

"Why can't we all just get along?"

***
[Finish out with CHORUS 4X]

credits

from Tigerclaw's Compendium Pt 2, released July 29, 2016

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